All to Him I Owe

It shouldn’t surprise us when sinners respond like sinners when we try to help them. Bitter individuals will often respond to rebuke with bitter rants and accusations. Angry people often respond to rebuke with cutting words and accusations that attempt to malign the character of the one who is rebuking. Liars continue to hide behind false statements and deceit when they are confronted with truth. It is especially difficult when the people who are responding this way are people who have served alongside us or are people we consider dear friends. The hurt we feel when that happens must be a small taste of what Christ experienced when his own disciples forsook him in his darkest hour.

There are three dangerous conclusions that we can come to when the person we are trying to help responds to rebuke the wrong way. The first is to conclude that since he didn’t respond spiritually, we must have done something wrong in the way we rebuked him. The second is to conclude that successful ministry is defined by everyone we are working with always responding right. These two conclusions can often become the soil that despair grows in and leads us to the third conclusion–that our ministry is in vain.

What are the truths that properly combat these wrong conclusions? Let me begin with a reminder of the exhortation of Hebrews 12:3: “For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.” It is easy to let the situation we are dealing with so consume our thoughts that it brings our minds to a point of mental weariness. Instead of giving weight to the situation, give weight to your Savior. Properly considering Christ is the key to this whole situation. Apart from a proper view of Christ, our minds will become so weighted down that we find ourselves “easily beset” in our race of ministry (Hebrews 12:1).

When we come to the wrong conclusion that since he didn’t respond spiritually, we must have done something wrong in the way we rebuked him, please remember II Corinthians 12:15, where Paul says, “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved.”Paul was aware that loving someone else does not insure that that that person will love in return. If we quit loving, because we didn’t receive love in return, we must question the integrity of our love in the first place. Love by its definition is to be willing to give for the good of another with no requirement of love in return. Ephesians 4:15 is a great guide for us concerning a godly rebuke: it must contain truth, with tenderness, over time. If you have given truth with tenderness but didn’t see a good outcome, don’t quit too soon. Don’t forget to give it time. Over time, truth given with tenderness can bring a favorable outcome.

Finally, in answer to the wrong conclusion that successful ministry is defined by everyone we are working with always responding right, we must remember that God defines success by our faithfulness to His calling. I Corinthians 4:2 says that faithfulness is what is required of a steward. We have each been given the responsibility be a good steward of people under our care. Our job is not to produce the fruit, but rather to remain faithful. Faithfulness is at the heart of God’s definition of success. Let’s plant and water, and leave the increase to God. There is nothing harder in the ministry than trying to do in our humanity what God says He will do in his Deity. Don’t try to be an overachiever, doing more than what God has asked us to do. Let’s stay faithful in our stewardship of the ministry God has given us, and leave the increase to God.

It is the most difficult of maneuvers. There are no guarantees of success. And the stakes are high. But we have no choice: we must learn how to do it.

How do you disarm an angry person?

The angry person could be a child, parent, spouse, friend, neighbor or counselee. And, of course, we could use a little disarming ourselves sometimes.

It all depends on your preparation. Our most common responses to anger are either fear or anger – responses that have very little potential to disarm anyone. When you retreat or withdraw in fear, the angry person still has the loaded gun, and will keep it handy because the one with the gun wins. All they have to do is brandish their side arms around and angry people get what they want. The cycle never ends.

Following the old fight or flight tradition, others respond to angry people by getting out their own guns. After all, justice demands a fair fight. If the angry person is going to wave a gun, you will wave yours too. The problem here is fairly straightforward: someone is going to get hurt and since the angry person is likely to be more skilled and experienced than you, you are the one who gets shot. And yes, as in the cartoons, you get up to fight another day, but people are still shooting each other.

Your preparation for a more effective confrontation is counterintuitive, as are most of God’s ways. Humility is the way of strength. Weakness is the new unstoppable force. “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). The cross of Jesus Christ changes everything. Satan himself – the angriest in all creation – is disarmed through self-sacrificial humility. The way to be a true human being, in all its strength, is now portrayed clearly in Jesus and is available through the Spirit.

For us, this path begins as we hold loosely to our desires. For example, most of us want something from the angry person – love and respect are high on that list. There is nothing wrong with wanting love and respect, but you would do best to shoot them yourself before the other person does. You will find that you won’t die. Instead, as you put to death the things that you want from the angry person, you will notice—perhaps for the first time—a hint of freedom and even boldness. When you have nothing to lose you can perform some unusual feats of strength.

Think about it. The angry person is screaming about how you are such an idiotic jerk, and if you aren’t as concerned with pleasing people or bolstering your own reputation, you can respond with something other than anger or fear. If the angry person’s pleasure or your own reputation is critical to you, you will be controlled by the angry person. So kill these before the other person shoots. The result is that there is nothing left to shoot, and you are free to speak from a place of weakness and say something like:

“Could you help me to see how I am an idiotic jerk – I will listen to you if you want to talk about it.” (Important note: NO sarcasm).

“What’s wrong?”

Or, you might decide that, at that moment, you can’t say anything to the deranged gunslinger, because you don’t have a clue what to say and the angry person has become an utter, animal-like fool, so you raise the anger incident later. With nothing to loose, your options are endless.

Track the life of Jesus and you will see that he was never angry because of the insults and derision of the religious leaders. He never took the attacks of others personally. That’s what happens when you live to enhance the Father’s reputation, you empty yourself of any interest in your own personal honor and reputation, and you love other people more than they love you. That’s what happens when you know that your Father is the perfect judge, so you don’t have to be the judge pro tem.When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. (1 Peter 2:23)

Here is how to move forward.

1. Don’t minimize the destruction of anger. You are getting shot at! Of course it hurts.
2. You are setting out to learn a disarming strategy that takes humility and love, and this is way over your head. As such, “Lord have mercy on me” is the order of the day.
3. Remember that angry people are blind to their own anger. They are the last to know that they are killing people. Instead, all they see is that they are right and others are wrong. Assume that they are spiritual lunatics.
4. Divest yourself of all the things you desire and cherish for yourself. Do you want love? Toss it and keep only the necessities, such as the desire to love. Do you need respect and understanding? It will only be an encumbrance. Get rid of it.
5. Move toward the angry person in love and humility. Fear runs away, anger attacks. Humility and love move toward. In a surprise attack they blindside angry people with weakness. Your timing will be important. Sometimes you can say something while the gun is aimed. Other times you will wait and speak later.
6. The person’s anger could have many reasons – you being one. But murderous anger is always wrong. At some point, from your place of love and humility, you will hold up the mirror and help angry people see themselves (Matthew 7:5).

There are four tools of communication within the lives of couples that often go overlooked.

1. A calendar: Our families are busy. They are running from place to place and often communicating on the run. There is great value in stopping (at least once a week) to sit down as a couple and go over the calendar. Use the calendar to help you prioritize your tasks and pace yourselves. Strive to be on the same page with your partner going the same direction for the same reasons.

2. A budget: Your budget is an indicator of your values. It is also a guide to properly administrating your values. As a couple, sit down and map out your financial values and determine a budget. Then strive to continually update each other through communication on how you are doing in the administration of those values. I have personally found that scheduling a weekly conversation with my wife to discuss the calendar and the budget can be a big help in keeping us on the same page.

3. The kitchen table: Some people use their kitchen table as nothing more than extra storage. Meals are eaten in front of the television in the living room. Clean off your table, prepare (or purchase) a meal and sit down together to eat and talk! If you have a family with children use the kitchen table as a time to talk, listen, and teach.

4. Sermons and Devotions: My wife and me have never been good at reading to each other. However, we have greatly enjoyed discussing together the things we have learned from sermons and our own devotions. After you leave church use the sermon you just heard as a tool to communicate with each other what you learned. Periodically ask your partner what they are learning from their devotions. There is a sweetness to the conversation that is centered on the truths of God being shared with each other.

“To be truly happy—a man must have sources of gladness which are not dependent on anything in this world… Tell me not of your happiness, if it daily hangs on the uncertainties of earth. ”

—J. C. Ryle

H – Honor your parents by obeying their guidelines and requests. (Ephesians 6:1-2)

A – Accountability helps prevent you from falling, not just a consequence after you have fallen.

N – No secrets! (Passwords, deleting history, hidden apps, etc.) You should live in a way that your phone could be picked up at any time and examined.

D – Don’t allow the phone to create a “bubble” around you. Use your headphones sparingly! Don’t become so engrossed in a game you forget their are people around you.

L – Let relationships around you take the priority over “virtual” ones. Don’t keep interrupting conversations to check your phone. Learn the art of “conversation” and “observation.”

E – Every word is noted and remembered by God. So use your words wisely when texting. (Matthew 12:36)